When the stars align and come crashing down around you… (or Dating in the City)

I’ve been back on a couple of sites to try and expand my network of available men (i.e. online-dating sites or as I refer to them: online-introduction sites). I met a guy a week ago – let’s call him B – on a popular site. Smart, fun, great job, seemed happy. We agreed to meet for a coffee and set up a meet up not far from my house. I walked down to meet him, he texted to say he would be a tad late due to traffic, but immediately on arriving he told me he spilled something on his shirt and went to a store to get a new one! Which, I thought, was so incredibly adorable! Aside from being adorable, he  had lovely eyes, with a perfect crinkle when he smiled, he was funny! Omg so funny! And we sparked – I felt it instantly, he told me later he felt it too. We ended up walking down to the beach and walked for 2 hours – walking and talking and trading stories and laughing and questioning… it was just amazing.

We sat down on a bench facing the water and then it came…the boom I was waiting on… he recently lost his wife, the mother of his children, the woman he had been with most of his adult life… I asked him how recently… he told me. Five months. Five months after a long illness.

We didn’t get into the details…

We walked more, he told me that he had recently reached out to a friend and told him he was ready… and then, out with me, he told me he realized he wasn’t ready at all.

My heart cracked just a little. I knew he wasn’t ready – I don’t typically date men who haven’t been separated for at least a year, let alone a man who had lost his wife only 5 months before. The crack came for two reasons:

  1. he was lovely, and amazing, and sweet, and kind, and attractive and we had that !spark! which is so rare! And I lost him before I even had a chance to have him…
  2. and because he has had so much to deal with, and I can imagine how lonely he is, has been, as he gone through all he’s gone through.

And for those two reasons I reached out after our amazing date and told him I had a great time, I like him and I hoped that he would reach out when he is ready.

And I went back to my online-introduction websites…

4 thoughts on “When the stars align and come crashing down around you… (or Dating in the City)

  1. I like online-introduction better too. That’s so much more honest and so much less intimidating. Why don’t they call them that?
    Is it terrible of me to want him to take a few days to reconsider? I know he shouldn’t if he’s not ready and I know it’s because I know what a great and caring person you are and how careful with his feelings you would be. But it doesn’t mean he’d be ready or even able to function in a new relationship yet, so it’s probably for the best. Poor guy. It does help to remind all of us that the Spark does exist though and that’s really something positive.

  2. Im a fixer… so I know if we did get together now it wouldn’t be good for me… most likely I would fall head over heels, he’d get stronger, realize he didn’t take the time he needed to heal, break up with me and marry the next girl he dated… and I can’t do that (again). So I’ll wait and keep meeting people and hope that spark comes again! 🙂

  3. I am also a fixer. I totally get it. And what I’ve learned for sure is that if you date someone who needs to be fixed…or wants you to fix them and that’s why they are attracted to you, it quickly makes you the one responsible for their happiness and that usually does not go well. I have also been the one needing the fixing and I have done that to someone as well. Probably one of my best life lessons learned.

  4. In speaking to someone last week she said “don’t do more the 50% of the work to make the relationship work” and I realized that when I’m in “fixing” mode I’m at 100% – which leaves the man with very little need or desire to do his share… this was a HUGE AHA moment for me!

Comments are closed.