If you google “how to make your spouse feel attractive” you will get page after page of lists of ways to make your wife feel attractive. You won’t find anything about your husband until page four. How hugely unfair. There are literally lists of hundreds of ways to make a girlfriend, lover, or wife feel pretty long before anyone thought to wonder whether their man was being made to feel hot or useful or loved.
There is a well known radio show that comes on here that I listen to off and on and one morning, before I even met my husband, the main female personality on that radio show said that your sex life dwindles in every single marriage, that it becomes nearly nonexistent. It cannot be helped, it cannot be changed, it is just a fact. This pissed me off so much. It’s been years and I can still remember her declaring that and me thinking that cannot be true, not with everyone, and certainly it won’t be true for me. Now, do I think that the super hot and heavy, can’t keep your hands off each other, sex anywhere and everywhere changes? Absolutely. At some point, you may come to appreciate that you have a nice bed and maybe sex on the bathroom floor is a little less comfortable. Some of the spontaneity may fade, but I just can’t believe that after a few years, spending that intimate time with your spouse becomes less important to you.
I was a single parent for many years and during that time I learned to run my household in its entirety on my own. I’m good at it. I plan well, I organize well, I budget well. And because it was so hard to get my life straightened out and kept that way, I am a bit of a control freak. So when The GingerBeard Man and I moved in together, it never even occurred to me to do things differently and I’ll admit that the fact that I am an absolute tyrant had to be pointed out to me. And being in charge of everything, regardless of your position in the marriage, is emasculating to the other party. One person being in charge isn’t fair, you have to be a team. This has been one of the biggest things I’ve had to work on and I do work on it, every single day. If you were to ask my husband, he would probably laugh and say that not much has changed and it’s just who I am. I am lucky that he is able to look at my past and see why I became the person I became and love that person and all of her flaws. But that person wants to be a better partner and really tried to keep that in mind.
One thing my husband is very good at is making me feel appreciated and attractive. Very rarely does a day go by where he doesn’t tell me he thinks I’m beautiful and in such a way that I absolutely believe him. He says thank you when I cook dinner, he tells me I’m a good mother before I can even start to think about how I might not be on that particular day, he offers to help me with just about anything I am working on, he has my back and he is super affectionate. I can’t promise that I do all of those things in return. It does not come naturally for me, I have to work at it. So when my husband isn’t feeling great about himself, I don’t necessarily know how to go about changing that. Sure I can tell him that I think he’s adorable, and I do, but too much beyond that and I am consulting google and finding myself disappointed with the results.
Page four’s article list five things: show gratitude, find little ways to show love daily, compliment, touch him and withhold judgement. Not exactly what I was hoping for in terms of a ton of good ideas… a little more sleuthing led me to this article on marriagemissions.com. A list of one hundred items. Another blogger suggested printing it and having them highlight ten or twenty things that are important to them. That is for sure out of my comfort zone as I am much more likely to find something to surprise him with off of The Dating Divas website. Because: control freak.
They had a few other articles that I grabbed some lists from and one of the items recommended taking the love languages quiz. It lists the five love languages as: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Quality Time, and Receiving Gifts. I took the quiz and the highest one for my is Acts of Service followed by Words of Affirmation, I have a pretty good idea that The GingerBeard Man’s will be Quality Time and Physical Touch. I sent him the link, we’ll see if he takes it.
I want to be a good wife. I want my husband to know that I love him more than I can even begin to express and I want him to be secure in himself and in our relationship. I’m not always the best at expressing that. I can quite easily get caught up in running the household and checking things off of my mental schedule right up until it’s lights out, without ever once stopping to just have a moment for us. And I am sure days or even weeks have passed where I didn’t make a conscious effort to let him know that I find him to be ridiculously attractive. Being married, being consciously married and present in a relationship takes work. I know that if I want to prove that radio personality wrong about dwindling romance and if I want to ensure that my husband knows how important he is to me, I have to make an effort.